Morning
It's 8am now. I wasn't able to sleep. I didn't really want to. I can hear cars outside, slowly cutting into the slight fog that the night brought. I guess the time wasn't right..
I don't know why I wasn't able to sleep. I don't know why it mattered. I guess I just got to thinking, and that made things difficult. I thought about the medics yesterday huddled behind a mound of dirt. And I thought about the rubber bullets and the sound they made whizzing by. I was no hero. Every time I heard one of those things heading towards us (we had a second or two of notice), I clutched my head and prayed. I prayed for my safety. I prayed for the safety of those around me. I prayed for the safety of everybody. There could be no hubris then. Just fear.
And that was rubber. It was just rubber, but I can't believe that somebody was aiming it at me. Before long, I will know real bullets. Before long, they will aim those at me.. Like with the rubber, I will sit and wait for God and fate to choose my path. Like with the rubber, I will clutch my head, and for that moment know no pride..
This whole land is a moral dilemma.. Those who shoot at the innocents.. Those who in turn blow up more innocents. The problem with war is that you don't know who's right.. The good thing is that you know who's wrong: anybody who takes arms.. I heard of a woman who once said that all who pick up a gun forfeit their rationality. Who knows?
I'm barely rational as it is.. The other day, when we were at a checkpoint, trying to pass medications through, I leaned on an APC and grinned stupidly at the soldier on the other side of the guns. There were three of them.. all big ones. In that split second when I realized that I was at the whim of a 17 year old, time slowed. In perfect slow motion, I imagined myself lunging at one of the mounted guns, pointing it at the soldier, and pulling the trigger until there was nothing more to shoot or shoot at. All of this and I've barely been here a week.. I can't imagine if I lived here. What point would it serve, though? So what if I killed that kid. So what if I wasted his buddies in the APC (on average 10 per APC). What would I accomplish? What would I have done?
I wonder what Gaza's like.. I hear it's for real. I hear the bullets are never rubber.
tarek