Another exchange with another close friend. As the exchange develops, I'll keep posting the remainder.
Note: Plain text is the other person, and bold text is my reply.
To: tarek@tarek.2y.net
Subject: hi there!
Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2003 05:10:58 -0400 (EDT)
tarek,
i have been thinking about you a lot lately. are you safe?? are you eating enough?!?! is there anyone there to hug you when you have a bad day?!?! silly things to think, i know, but i do think about them anyway. i'm glad that you are doing something you really believe in, and i support you - like i really do, but i also worry about you being so far away. well, not really being so far away, but being in such a dangerous place. please, just promise me one thing. all i need to know is that you will, when push comes to shove, think of the people here who love you, and who you mean a lot to, and then realize that you need to keep yourself safe (or as safe as you can in those parts) for them. i know that sounds really selfish, but i really don't want anything to happen to you.
please, be careful.
and do what you think is best for everyone involved.
your friend :)
Date: Thu, 26 Jun 2003 16:50:38 -0400 (EDT)
From: tarek Lubani
Subject: Re: hi there!
Friend!!!!!
I am constantly thinking about a lot of things. I think about myself. I think about my family. I wonder why I'm here. I wonder where I'm going. I wonder what I've done. I know that you want me to think of those who love me when push comes to shove. The only problem is that I can't. In the end, I am here because there is a group of people in this world who are being truly oppressed. They have families. They have people who love them. And yet they can't ever leave. They can't ever pull themselves out of the "line of fire". They are not alive. These people -- the entire population of Palestine, almost -- are the walking dead. Their time with their families is not their own. Today, for example, a man was talking about the spirit of resistance. He said "nobody can take a life except He who gave it". He's wrong. The Israeli soldier is God. At any given moment, in any given checkpoint, the soldier chooses life or death. They are completely unaccountable in this world.
All of this leaves me wondering: Who the hell am I to come back to my family alive? Am I -- an english-speaking Palestinian refugee with a Canadian Passport -- better than the Palestinians? Am I more loved than they?
I didn't come here to die. I have no intention of being killed. That is something that I have in common with every single Palestinian. None of them want to die any more than you or I. But it's not us who choose death. I don't choose death or danger by being here. I choose life and hope. Nobody kills themselves. The occupation does, either by the bullets from our Israeli masters, the stoppage of effective transportation, or the killing of medical and safety infrastructure. I know this is quite the statement, but if I die in a traffic accident out here (I have often feared I would), it is the fault of the illegal Israeli occupation, which has ensured that no road is paved properly, no traffic light works, and no driver is licensed.
I give my body and soul to resisting this illegal occupation. You give a little piece of you. I know that I have dragged you into a sacrifice you have not chosen and may not be willing to make, and for that I apologize.
Now and always, I remain
your friend, tarek : )
To: tarek@tarek.2y.net
Subject: well hello there.
Date: Fri, 4 Jul 2003 06:05:52 -0400 (EDT)
tarek,
so i have to say that your email took me by surprise. i mean, i can't say that i expected any less, it is from you ;)
first, and perhaps foremost, let me tell you that my email wasn't, AT ALL written to imply that the Palestinian people are not as worthy of life as you. perhaps, the only thing that should have been implied is that in my life, you are more important. now i realize that this may sound selfish to you, but in all honesty, there is no way that that can change. yes, i realize that the people you are helping have not chosen to die, or that they have not chosen to have all these terrible things happen to them. but, on the other hand, i have not chosen to send you out to the world of uncontrollable violence - a place that could result in your death, be as it may.
so yes, although i was taken back by your email, some of the things you said touched base. i mean i realize that you are there for a worthy cause, a cause i'm sure many would enlist in if it wasn't so dangerous. but at the same time, i think your being so involved, so willing to spare your life to perhaps save that of another isn't completely noble. yes, people see what you're doing as brave, as courageous and as completely self-giving, not selfish. but really, when i think about it, and when i read parts of your email over again, it got me to thinking that maybe this journey, or adventure, or whatever it is you want to call it, could have drawn you to it for different reasons than you wish to imply or acknowledge. i realize that you are trying your best to save a nation or at least its people that have known nothing but suffering. i know that you are trying to help people who you see as unlucky, or at least less lucky than you because your family was able to get you away in time to forefit being involved in this kind of daily "prison". that said, don't you think you could be doing this out of guilt?! one of your phrases struck me as a phrase that would come from someone who feels guilty, and perhaps responsible in some way for the horrid way these people are treated. "All of this leaves me wondering: Who the hell am I to come back to my family alive? Am I -- an english-speaking Palestinian refugee with a Canadian Passport -- better than the Palestinians? Am I more loved than they?" it is not your fault that things have ended up the way they have - and you being an english speaking palestinian shouldn't be a reason for you to be less cautious, or more willing in that matter, to give up your life to better that of others. yes, if you believe in the cause. yes, if you think that the loss of your life will directly help the life of another. but not if you're guilty about something you had no control over. all in all, you are the same as them - which i guess, in this case, will directly result in your death. something i, for one, am not looking forward to dealing with.
all in all, i think that there are many reasons you are out there trying to change the world - saving the "walking dead" as you call them - being one. standing up against an illegal occupation being another. and although you speak of life and hope, all i can think of is why you haven't updated your website in days and what that could really mean. i know you are doing this because it is something you believe in. i know you are doing this to make the world a better place. and honestly tarek, i give you credit for that. i could not do what you are doing. i could not risk my life everyday, knowing that if i die there will be no change, and i will have not made a difference in the bigger picture. i guess that is what it all comes down to in the end - making a difference. and if you think you will do that, then good luck kiddo. hats off to you and all that jazz. hopefully you will help someone out there who needs you more than the rest of us - in death or not. just remember, that no matter who you help by jumping in front of a tank, or shovelling through road blocks, or standing up for what you think is right - if any of these acts should end in your death, then you are hurting just as many people (if not more) here than you would be helping in the long run there. it's just a thought, not an accusation of any sort. please remember that.
well, i guess that's that. i don't even know if any of this makes sense because i've just been typing for what seems like ages. hopefully you can make some sense of it.
i pray your safe return!
hugs ;)
friend
From: tarek@tarek.2y.net
Subject: Re: well hello there.
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 22:49:52 -0400 (EDT)
Friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please forgive me for any offence caused by the last email. As you can tell, I am trying to deal with a great deal of issues, the primary one being the understanding of my own status in this world.
Understanding who I am and what I'm worth has come not by virtue of self-examination, but by dictation from popular culture. The more I think about it, the more I realize that my importance as a human being is a function of that popular culture portrayal of us (English-speaking "whites") as compared to them (non-English-speaking non-"whites"). As I read through your email, I couldn't help but believe that you, like me, are a victim of this portrayal.
I'm not trying to save the world. I'm not a hero, and I'm not courageous. I don't want an action doll based on me, and I don't want anybody to ever know my name. I act not out of desire for any of the latter, but because of a basic compulsion to witness the atrocities of my fellow man and stand in solidarity with the oppressed, be they Palestinian or otherwise. If I die without changing anything, that's not a problem for me. I long ago came to terms with my mediocrity, and the fundamental belief that I am not one in six billion, but one of six billion. But that's the greatest coup that The Man has pulled off against us - the conviction that if we cannot change anything, we need not try. The conviction that we have to stand out and be extraordinary, not that each of us - in his ordinariness - can embrace justice and reject injustice.
Guilt. Last year, I didn't want to come back home alive. After a summer of seeing men, women and children cut down by indiscriminate heavy weaponry, I didn't want to be able to just walk away. It was, quite simply, survivor's guilt. I'm full of all kinds of survivor's guilt. But this illegal occupation and its repercussions are not the same as surviving a plane crash. This isn't some Act of God in which statistics and probability decide whether I live or die. Probing my self-worth with the quoted statement was not -- as you concluded -- a result of the guilt that I felt (and still feel), but instead a rejection of the framework that this occupation needs us to accept: We are different. We deserve better than the oppressed.
We're not, and we don't. The recognition that we could have just as easily been born into a Palestinian family binds us to the Palestinian struggle for freedom, as we must be bound to all struggles against oppression. It's not guilt. It's humility.
I realize that all of this makes it seem that I am in danger and want to die. Neither is true. Right now, the occupation is about long-term suffocation, not short-term execution. And while I'm ready to die for any cause against oppression, I want to live.
your one of six billion,
tarek : )