It is amazing how self-absorbed I have become. In the last few days, I have thought about nobody but myself. I have, in turn, contemplated begging, borrowing and stealing to resolve my financial situation. As it is now, I am lazing around waiting fruitlessly for my laptop, hoping and wishing it comes back even though I realize it is a meaningless material possession. I think it's less about the laptop than it is about having something to focus on. This is the third day they say they're bringing my laptop and the third day I wait.
The perfect strangers I met just two weeks ago who have agreed to let me stay in their room think me so completely naive for thinking it'll come back. The family I stayed with, who are now in possession of it, keep telling me to come back to Fallujah to get it. If I were not suspected before as a collaborator, I bet I am right now for my sudden departure and insistence on having my laptop. They may think that they shouldn't have let me go. They may think anything, so I can't go. I can't go because I'm afraid of them - that illogical distrust that I still can't shake.
tarek